“When you close your eyes and think, “President of the United States of America,” whose face immediately pops into your mind? Of course it’s mine. After all, this is the face of a woman who instills confidence in the entire populace by having no understanding of basic American history and making a huge public outcry over a proposed change in lightbulbs.

We all know the outcome of this election is a foregone conclusion, and I personally wish we could just get it over with already so I could get to work abolishing the minimum wage and making sure public schools start teaching creationism.

Who, other than me, would you prefer to have leading high-level talks on the economy, or making the final decision as to whether or not the United States should invade another country? I certainly can’t think of anyone else. Can you? Clearly, fixing the trade deficit, working with the president of China to foster a cordial, mutually beneficial relationship, and leading the strongest military on earth is what I was born to do. It’s just so easy to picture me doing all those things. And while I admit there are some jobs I perhaps wouldn’t be right for, I think we all agree what I can do is fix everything that is wrong with this country, all at once.” – The Onion